Those that know me know I have not spent a lot of time with my Mom over the last years. We haven't and still don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. It has been easier in the last months, maybe even as long as the last year or so, but I still haven't spent a lot of time with her.
There are those that know her as a friend, but truly don't know her like we as children know her. My head says Mom loved us and I guess in her own way she does, but my heart has never felt it.
After I brought Mom home the doctor said to Mom "you can't stay by yourself anymore". So the process started of getting her settled into another "home" this time a nursing home. She chose the nursing home there in Corn, which has always been one of the best around and she was willing to go. This in itself was a miracle. All of her life she loudly proclaimed "I don't want to go to a nursing home". Granted her severe food allergies would tax a saint. She also had worked in the nursing home for ten or eleven years when I was growing up watching over my grandma (her mother) who had Alzheimer's so she never wanted to live in one.
I can understand those thoughts and wishes, but being on the other side of the situation it was rather frustrating because when a person should be willing to look down the road and make plans with the knowledge they have. When there are certain triggers certain plans are enacted. Maybe I'm too clinical in looking at life. I have told my kids that I am somewhat pragmatic. Dealing with life and getting things done when it needs to be done, later you stop and deal with your thoughts and emotions but in the midst of a situation you soldier on.
For years, when people in the facility she lived in or even older family members would move closer to their children she never could understand why they would do that since they were so happy there. There are times when you have to think about the bigger picture of what will be best for everyone, not just for yourself. It would have been nice to have had the conversation with her months or years ago about what was best when that next step was necessary, so decisions and actions didn't have to be made in crisis mode. I am trying to say people we/I need to learn from her mistakes.
When you are young enough and in your right mind is when you need to have the conversation of what are you going to do at the various stages in your life. Those plans may change with time and or they may not work at all, but at least you have looked reality in the face and said with the information I have today if this happens we will do XYZ, rather than waiting until you are in the middle of a crisis and are having to make major life decisions. There will still be adjustments to be made and a certain amount of grieving, but at least you will have a plan.
I understand a person has to be flexible and willing to "go with the flow" as my husband says, but it was annoying to me to have to do all of this in crisis mode. Maybe the actual transition has to be done in crisis mode, but if the decisions don't have to be done in crisis mode that is a big help. Or when you reach a point in life where you realize yes I am still able to care for myself but would it be better to be closer to family now while I could still make a move. To me not even being willing to talk about different stages of a person's life is selfish. My opinion, everyone has a right to their opinion and that is mine. It isn't all about your own selfish wants and wishes. Well that is my rant for today.